It’s like 2013 Tori Amos on the left and 1994 Tori Amos on the right.

That’s the plucky heroine, Merida, from Disney Pixar’s Brave on both the right and the left. As part of her induction into the gang of Disney Princesses they prettied her up.

Cue internet rage:

“Egads! What hath they done to our Merida,” cried out the angry populace of Huffington Postville! I mean, it’s right there in the title of the post: Merida gets unnecessary makeover! Opinionized for you, just in case you were incapable of forming one yourself. And lo a great petition was made to combat what some called, “an unnecessary makeover!” Others, “Another sad, vapid girl concerned with a narrow waist and perfectly shaped eyebrows. Shame.”

The thing is the petitioners aren’t wrong exactly. The redesign is kind of hideous looking but since when do we hold the Disney Princess brand up to some high standard of excellence? It’s a vapid, fancy dress cotillion of airs and faces put on that white washes the bunch of them.

Look at this photo of Belle from their website:

Serial outfit repeater, Belle, puts on that golden dress again.

Belle is known for one physical attribute above all others: Her widow’s peak.

Girl got peak like Bram Stoker’s Dracula.

Do you see a widow’s peak in that shot or in the “Let’s Play Dress Up” with Belle game on the website? No, you don’t. Because when they made her part of their princess sorority, Belle did what any good woman’s magazine would have told her to: she hid her trouble spots and accentuated the positive. That top image isn’t the plucky, well read Belle of yore it’s some plastics version of her. It’s like real life Princess, Taylor Swift. She’s stunning with low/no makeup.

Natural Swifty has an earnest dog vibe.

But who could argue that glamming it up doesn’t work for her?

Made-up Swifty, falls on the feline side of things.

Make-up and fashion have a transformative power, sometimes to the detriment of natural beauty but… there it is. The Merida on the left is still Merida and that’s where this whole campaign and the overreaction to the changes errs. That’s still Merida but “buffed” using the same tools that women and teenaged girls use everyday to appear younger, more mature, flirty, glamorous, flawless or any of the many skins they wear.

So what?

Merida combed her hair, tossed on a pair of mom’s Spanx, slipped on a fancy dress, and went a little heavy on the makeup to cover her freckles. This isn’t her everyday look, it’s her fancy princess foo-foo tea party look. Of course she left her bow at home. People cry out, “but she hated that dress!” To which I say, did you not watch the movie? When she reconciles with her mother, she gets permission to be an untamed wild child sure, but she also sees the world from her mother’s side and opens her mind to the possibility of one day being the Queen in the fancy dress. If her mother, who is so strong can do it, why can’t she?

This smacks of us as a society trying to vicariously “live wild” through Merida. We never want her to grow up because we never wanted to and we don’t want our daughters to. It’s like Hilary Duff, you can’t tell me that once she shed the baby fat you weren’t all a little disappointed that your Lizzie McGuire was all growed up and kicking 4 inch stilettos. Playing dress up is just the next step towards yielding to a beauty obsessed culture… but is it? Or are the Disney Princesses just hanging out looking pretty, because it’s fun? Would you deny Merida the chance to sit with the popular girls? That’s not very 21st Century feminist of you.

Update: The vocal minority got their fairy tale ending and all is right with their world.

Blacker than black.

Seriously though, can you name another show that lives so completely in the shadows? Half the time I don’t even know what‘s being shot, who is being stabbed and if that was an axe murder.

Also, I just want to add that I dug the season finale even as it made most of the season look aimless and boring in hindsight.

Sam Mendes’ Skyfall put butts in seats, that much is true. I’d stop short of calling it the best Bond film of all time but maybe I just don’t like Komodo Dragon steppin’ as much as Roger Moore does.

Komodo Dragon. British for STAIRS.

For me the real star was Roger Deakins’ brilliant cinematography. Every frame of that film begs to be printed out and hung in an art museum. I think most reasonable movie lovers would agree that it was a damn fine movie picture and a splendid return to dapper form for 007 after the nearly mute, rushed-to-theaters Quantum of Solace.

You would think we would all be a little grateful to Sam Mendes for bringing such a wonderful vision of Bond to the screen… and maybe we were five minutes ago but that was FIVE MINUTES AGO and nerds don’t do five minutes ago. We do “years from now” and in years from now Sam Mendes didn’t make the next James Bond film sitting in our Blu-ray Ultra-HD collection. Why? Because that big, crying, diaper baby had “other commitments.” Pansy.

This is what Sam said to Empire Magazine when they announced his formal turning down of the sequel this past March:

It has been a very difficult decision not to accept Michael and Barbara’s very generous offer to direct the next Bond movie,” explained Mendes. “Directing Skyfall was one of the best experiences of my professional life, but I have theatre and other commitments, including productions of Charlie And The Chocolate Factory and King Lear, that need my complete focus over the next year and beyond.

Sounds polite and clear. But the media wouldn’t leave it at “polite and clear,” so Sam recently expanded on his reasons in an interview with The Guardian, adding,

“Was I willing to go back into a room with a writer and start work on the same set of characters and the same scenarios as I’ve been working on for the last three years? The idea made me physically ill.”

Perhaps we can take umbrage with the term “physically ill” but three years is a lot of time and then to tack on two more years to the three years that he spent building Skyfall. That’s not a leisurely two years. That’s an, “I-live-and-breathe-James-Bond-everyday-including-Sunday,” sort of two years. I’m feeling physically ill just thinking about that kind of commitment. My daughter will be four by then and getting her first tattoo  going into preschool.

Of course what would an eye-catching quote like that be without Nerd Rage. Below is the outcry of one website indicative of a sub-sect of nerdom that feels personally slighted by the remarks (with my responses.)

Are we supposed to sympathise with Mendes for being given the opportunity to helm a  James Bond film for the second time?

No. You’re supposed to understand that he has other commitments (as he previously announced) and that the franchise will not wait for him to be ready.

Obviously Mendes forgets his roots and has lost the hunger and desperation that fuels so many filmmakers. To be presented with the opportunity of a lifetime, to helm a James Bond film is for most of us, a dream and nothing else.

Even if this were true and not some misguided populist rabble rousing (or saber rattling if you prefer) on the attempt of the blog contributor, Sam Mendes is committed elsewhere and is being professional in honoring those commitments. I detect a bit of projection here. Are you sir or madam one such aspiring filmmaker, perhaps? Always outside looking in?

To suggest that it is ridiculous to even contemplate returning to the series as it made him ‘physically ill’, spits in the face of all talented filmmakers attempting to break their way into the industry and insults the James Bond franchise.

What a complete fanny…

 This response is what is ridiculous. Let me explain: Making a blockbuster film is a huge investment of time and energy. It is a blood sacrifice to the god of art (even if you happen to be making the umpteenth Twilight film.) To assume that creative types like Sam Mendes should feel privileged to make that sacrifice is insulting because, wait for it, it’s their time and energy that is being sacrificed! Surely, Sam feels privileged to have made a James Bond film, he’s said as much, but why is he obligated to continue making them? Because he said he was interested? He also said that he would only do it if given time to tell the right story. Clearly that’s a luxury Bond hasn’t afforded him.

Websites run a story like this with a headline like this,

Sam Mendes Sickened by Idea of Returning for Bond 24

because they know it gets hits and generates traffic, and stokes the nerd flames which keep Columbia aloft.

Sam deserves better and so do nerds.

japan eel delivery from F is for Film on Vimeo.

The day they mistake a 0 for an 8 is going to be interesting for some lucky housewife. Hopefully, they’re home within the two day time limit. I thought Dir en grey’s Toguro was an appropriate soundtrack to that.

You know food is good when it’s cooked with a paper fan.

It squirms no more.

I have to say… I prefer to remember them like this. So good.

A smile like it popped off the screen
of the latest 3D Hollywood blockbuster
gradually draws me in
until I lose myself completely

Don’t lose the flavor like chewing gum does
just as such a sweet love has begun to blow up large
with care at first, and then like a mad man,
I’ll savor every bite.
everything is a taste of you.

even though I know I have other things to do
I can’t concentrate on them.
The words, “you’re beautiful”
echo out around me
like the ringing of a bell from a tower.

even though these days I live my life
wanting for nothing,
now when I imagine a world without you in it,
I cower at the thought.

even if I have one sleepless night after another,
if I can see you, it’s like they just fly away
I find myself waiting endlessly for that moment.
I set my tuning to your station, and hum a song in unison with you
everyday I sing for you

When I touch the soft warmth of your body,
my heart soars into the heavens
Ah, if I were to die at this very moment
I’d be fine with it.
to be overtaken by your breath, your sweet atmosphere.

Don’t lose the flavor like chewing gum does
this sweet love is still blowing up larger.
at first with care, and then with tenderness,
I’ll savor every bite.
everything is a taste of you.

I’ll set my tuning to your station
so let’s sing a happy song
everyday I sing for-
everything is a taste of
everyday, marshmallow day

Translated by: Brian & Takako Stewart

Marshmallow Days from F is for Film on Vimeo.

It has been quite some time since I sat down to address the Singing Dog Nation and for that I apologize. I realize many people follow my work here hoping for a new Japanese song translation but I have nothing yet to share in that regard. When the bug bites, it bites hard but it hasn’t bitten lately. That could change.

After years of trying to master the art of telling people why they should read, buy, watch, listen to or otherwise consume something… I have grown tired of that stale one way discourse. Instead I’d like to just start talking and see where it goes. Instead of telling you that Tomb Raider is “a great third person action adventure” or “the best version of Uncharted yet,” I want to talk about how Lara Croft is really quite petite for an action adventurer. For shorter bursts of wit and observation I have added my twitter feed to the side. Tweeting is an art I have only just picked up and have yet to master but I’m willing to try it if you’re willing to read. That’s a terrible sales pitch but my point is, “follow me because I’m lonely and cold out there with nothing but my feathers to keep me warm.”

I just came back from Japan where I stoked the dying embers of my love for the place, and I want to share that with you. Soon. Always soon I say and then not a word. But again I say it anyway, soon.

So much to discuss, so little time not being tugged at by my adorable little girl.

Keep watch here for further interesting changes. I will.

My love to you all and I hope you and yours are safe and happy during these progressively dark times.

Hannibal mastermind, Bryan Fuller, made some comments recently to EW.com regarding the show’s longevity and his plans for the characters from Thomas Harris’ Red Dragon novel:

“It really is a love story, for lack of a better description, between these two characters,” Fuller says. “As Hannibal has said [to Graham] in a couple of the movies, ‘You’re a lot more like me than you realize.’ We’ll get to the bottom of exactly what that means over the course of the first two seasons. But we’re taking our sweet precious time.”

Hannibal will also be unusual because it’s planned as a 13-episode-per-season show. So though the drama won’t rush Hannibal’s story, it also won’t feel like its padded with throwaway episodes either.

“Doing a cable model on network television gives us the opportunity not to dally in our storytelling because we have a lot of real estate to cover,” Fuller says. “I pitched a seven-season arc including stories from various [Thomas Harris] books.”

 

Even as a two season 13 episode run it’s hard to imagine but seven, that’s formidable. How long can you really drag out a story which has only minor pressure release points before people realize that the big finale is predestined and will never offer a surprise? That all a prequel series can really do is pave the road with psychos and what ifs that dilute the narrative and distract from the piece moving? Having watched the first two episodes of Hannibal, in which two such Lecter-caliber psychos are dispatched, I’m going to say… they can do it really stylishly. With living corpse mushroom gardens and other things to make you hate life.

You don’t want to know where the Olive Garden gets the mushrooms for their never-ending salad…

Bates Motel is taking a different approach. This is Carlton Cuse from LOST in the EP seat we’re talking about, he won’t have a plan. That’s not his style. He’ll say he has a plan…ish, but he doesn’t and the show may be all the better for it because although it takes pains to remind the audience of its source material through visual, sound, dialogue and acting cues, it’s a show better enjoyed if you just forget all that hooey. I think what they’ve made is one big giant what if fantasy world version of Norman Bates based on several questions completely unrelated to Psycho like; What if Norman Bates solved mysteries like the Hardy Boys? What if he had a hottie older half brother who basically played his mirror opposite; the James Dean-like rebel to his Goody Two Shoes Mama’s Boy? What if the town the motel was in was populated by corrupt city officials, quirky Twin Peaks weirdoes and psycho killers like him? I mean, this goes completely against all the things that make Psycho work like the idea that the kindly innkeeper in a small town could be one of history’s greatest monsters but what if that didn’t matter because it was all too much fun to care if it worked?

DylMan Shippers… start your engines!

The issue both series face is one of trajectory. We know where we’re going because, no matter how much they change or add to the plot, in order to land their ending they have to launch from a predetermined location which we can trace back like the dotted lines of an Angry Bird. In that case the only thing in the creator’s control is the speed of the ship and the background that we  see on the way to our destination. This isn’t like an adaptation of a novel where people are expecting specific plot or character moments, the anticipation of which is half the fun -Hannibal is based off of 5 pages in Harris’ Red Dragon novel. No, this is about characters we know don’t die, a pay off we know isn’t coming, and trying to find new revelations in moments that inform events that sit fully formed in our heads. It can be done. New details can add new insight into these characters, just by way of the casting and performances we can come to understand them in interesting new ways. But by not changing the perspective of the story, by not giving us someone new to root for or ponder the fate of, they’ve set us up for a lot of “watch checking” which is a shame considering how fantastically they’ve built these worlds and how much I’m enjoying the insanity so far.

Just one of the many babes on “The Norman Conquest.” Also, ewww.

This TV season in particular is set to become the psycho-killerest in history with not only Bates Motel dusting off the Norman Bates saga for another go, but none other than Bryan Fuller tackling America’s favorite cannibal,  Hannibal Lecter (and for network TV no less.) Then lest we forget, Kevin Bacon slumming it on Fox’s The Following, which in its first season has already set the bar for silly serial killering the likes of which Dexter could only darkly dream of. But I belabor a simple point, Bates Motel has mad potential to be both the most intense and silliest of these silly, horrible shows that I continue to watch in spite of myself. I am the problem, after all.

Yet, the strangest thing about the show has nothing to do with the psycho-killer-to-be, and everything to do with Norman’s instantaneous status in town as a total chick magnet.

Norman, played as a 17 year old by the slightly older Freddie Highmore, gets picked up and hit on obsessively by a gaggle of teenage hotties at the bus stop, one of which gives him a ride to school in her hottie Barbie dream car. His milf teacher who has known him for all of 40 minutes starts creepin’ on him after class. And of course Norma and he up the incestuous vibe to surpeme Mother Boy levels. Incidentally, Vera Farmiga plays Norma with just the right mixture of smotherly love. Oh, and it goes without saying that I have to see more of this girl Emma who perks up when she thinks that, just for a moment, Norman Bates might have a terminal disease as she does and is let down to learn that he doesn’t. There aren’t enough young people with oxygen tank cozies on TV. Color me intrigued but also add her to the list of people inexplicably drawn to Norman Bates’ “dark pool” of a soul. The show’s words not mine.

Maybe it’s his big honkin’…

…kitchen knife?