Social Suicide

Today I erased myself. Utterly.

No 'delete' keys were harmed in the making of this suicide.

No ‘delete’ keys were harmed in the making of this suicide.

I rid my life of Facebook, Twitter and Google Plus accounts and pages. This is not a cry for help or attention. It’s not a symbolic gesture. There’s nothing noble about this. It’s a simple matter of math. I was getting less than I was giving.

So I cancelled myself.

If you’re coming here to find out if I’m still alive, the answer is that I am.

Utau-Inu. That most SEO unoptimized url is my permanent home and will be until I am naught but bones. If you wish to continue to know me with any intimacy, outside of sharing dead skin now and again, this is the best way. My work will fly proudly here. My hopes will grow strong here. My dreams will pace restlessly here.

This is where I am no longer limited to 140 characters and I don’t care if you comment on or share or tweet or like anything I do. I just want to be me, and be seen. If you look in your heart, I think you’ll find the same is true.


I’ve been meaning to put this up forever. It’s vacation footage from 2012 cut to Otsuka Ai’s SMILY.

SMILY FLORIDA from F is for Film on Vimeo.

It’s fun to look back and remember how adorably chubby Maya was as a baby. My nieces, were right on the cusp of teendom too. That scene of them running into the setting sun was heaven-sent.

Everything is Love

I’m glad there’s a reasonable man in the White House and sad that there are unreasonable people, well, everywhere else. The thing that baffles me most about all of this is that gay marriage hurts no one and changes nothing. It’s just love. It’s just a nice thing. Why can’t we have nice things in this country?!?

In other news, Tom Gabel of rock band, Against Me, says he’s been a woman all along. Correction, she‘s been a woman all along. I think that deserves a: You go, girl!

Tom or Laura Grace Jane, as she’s soon to be known, has a wife and a two year old daughter. Will this make his wife a lesbian? Will the daughter grow up resenting her “father?”

Those questions don’t mean anything.

They’re just a way for people to look down on someone who is transgendered. If good people love and care for one another, they’ll get by. Better a father who is happy with who she is, than a father who hides it and breeds resentment and self hatred. Love is just love and love is everything. It needs no other labels.

I’m sick of the debate. We’re all headed for the grave, let’s make the most of the time in between and end these pointless crusades.

A Year in the Life of

My show interviews: with people is turning one year old just as I am turning thirty-four. I’m enormously proud of what me and my crew have accomplished in the margins of Cablevision’s more studious body of work. Interviews: with people is to Neighborhood Journal and Meet the Leaders as doodles are to a high schoolers copy of Sense and Sensibility.

In celebration of our longevity, I was given the go ahead to do a thirty minute special which is sort of a “best of plus alpha.” I’ll be posting the times and channels here when I learn more but expect it to air within September.

I have big news regarding the show but I have to wait until the powers that be get their ducks in order. Suffice to say, we about to blow up. Think of this as the calm before the storm and your chance to say, “I knew him when…

…his face was covered in birthday cake.”

Self Refraction

Self reflection doesn’t cut it.

We look at ourselves in the mirror every day and we’re none the wiser come bedtime. If anything staring at yourself only leads you to doubt and/or cherish everything about your life. It’s too much. It’s too broad and it avoids confrontation. The problem with reflection is that the process can only show us what we bring to it. When I’m feeling vain, I see my face aging. When I’m feeling slighted at work, I will see the reflection of a victim.

That’s not helpful and it leads to “venting” and “self pity.”

Our goal should be to see ourselves for who we are in that moment, and in that context. From both the best seats in the house and from the cheap seats in the nosebleeds.

[But wait, there’s more!]

Maya vs. Soap Bubbles

No sooner had I declared Maya an unfeeling automatot than she exploded in glee at the very idea of soap bubbles. I have documented this startling development along with her first real laughter for all to see and hear.

Let’s all pretend Eddie Vedder is singing “Why deny all the bubbles when combined…” that is, if you can understand him at all.

Maya’s First Bubbles from F is for Film on Vimeo.

The Stewart Crew

I have been derelict in my duties to tell you how awesome being a fucking dad is. Well, now I have. Here are some pictures of our happy fucking family. This is pretty much the best year of my entire life. I got the bump up to Producer/Director at work (finally getting paid for what I’ve been doing all along,) and I got my Maya. Happiness abounds.

And here’s us sleeping in bed with her. I elbow dropped her this morning accidentally but I’m calling it homage to the recently deceased Macho Man Randy Savage.. so it’s OK.