1. I’m still enjoying the story. The friendship with Izzie and Nessa is definitely based in what I’ve seen in reality. You have one bookish, serious friend and another that’s a little -out there- to balance the other one off. ^-^

    I saw some stuff you can correct. One thing that didn’t ring true was Izzie calling Nessa’s father Aaron. At their age they wouldn’t be calling their friends’ parents by their first name. At least, I don’t ever remember it happening. I probably just would have said to Nessa that her dad was there…no name.

    You have a spelling mistake on the first page with “caring friend took a quick peak”.. It should be peek.

    The comma dilemma still reigns, too. You have ’em where you don’t need them and don’t have them where you could use them. Maybe it would help if you read it out loud to yourself? The pauses are in weird places.

    In the second sentence you need a comma after “herself” to complete the pause. You also need one between the words “stiff and white” in the secong paragraph. In this sentence: Alright, that time, bitch just ignored me”, you can remove the comma after “time”. You also don’t need one here, “As Izzie, pulled out her phone”. That sentence doesn’t need a
    pause. You get the idea. Recheck your commas. I could put more here but I don’t want to go nuts in your comment box. I

    I can’t wait to see what comes next. This is fun, although whenever I hear writers say their characters evolve by themselves it feels a bit creepy. I’ll have to try to write something sometime and see what happens. I haven’t written any kind of story since I was made to in school.

  2. Thank you again for reading and grammar policing. I look forward to your comments each time.

    Actually it’s not that the character evolved by herself so much as I started to see how she fit in to the story as I was writing her. For Izzie it was a matter of answering what kind of friend would Nessa have? At home Nessa has to play derelict mommy but outside the home maybe she’s more indulgent. I started to see Izzie as a way of keeping Nessa grounded the way you mentioned above. They look after each other.

    Often times writing characters like these becomes for me a sort of binary code of yes/no/maybe questions like “Would Izzie use her hands to eat a greasy burger?” How the character “answers” these questions helps shape their personality. What was fun for me about having Izz call Aaron by his first name was that it was somewhat against type. Once I’d established that she does this it opened up a bunch of new questions about their relationship which I’m going to delve into a little further in future chapters. (Don’t worry it’s nothing naughty! That would be completely unacceptable.)

    If you ever do write something I’d love to read it. So lemme know.

  3. LOL Nothing naughty? Somehow I don’t believe that, but I look forward to further reading.

    So far all I’m writing is my blog on myspace and most of the time it’s just me blabbing on about music and stuff, so nothing terribly creative or profound there.

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