1. That chapter made me laugh out loud more than once. The opening sentences grabbed me right away. Nice job! The descriptions were clear enough I could actually picture that poor girl’s dad throughout his ordeal.

    I like your main character. She’s growing a very interesting personality. You’ll have to watch the words you use when she’s speaking or thinking very carefully. I’m not sure a teenage girl would use a term like “detritus” when referring to her room. 😉 It’s a little sophisticated. “Crap”, “junk”, “shit”; all of those fit. Most of the time you pull it off well, though. Maybe you have an inner teenager in female form? LOL

    I’m no great grammar hero, either, but I’ll read through it a few times and let you know if I see anything that needs changing. I’m not sure I’d make a really good proofreader as I’ve probably forgotten a lot of grammar/structure rules over the years. I’ll do what I can, though.

    After first read I noticed you used “door jam” and instead it needs to be “door jamb”. Weird word, but that’s how ya spell it. You also put in the number 6 when in written works you should spell out your numbers. My prof was a stickler about that and made sure I would -never- forget it. Memories of lost marks and lots of red pen linger in my subconscious, which I totally ignore when I blog. Oh – you used “afterschool job” and it shouuld be “after school job”.

    Are you sure you want to use your comment box for corrections and stuff or would you rather I send ’em by email or something?

    I’m looking forward to your next installment. This is gonna be a fun read. Maybe it’ll even make me bone up on my writing skills, which are sorely in need of help.

  2. Thanks. I fixed the grammar mistakes. The word “detritus” is actually a holdover from when this chapter was written from the same 3rd person omniscient narrator voice as the Prologue (I really liked the term “teenage detritus.” I changed it and many of the subsequent chapters after realizing how much fun it would be to “live” with Nessa and limit our access to the hows and whys of the supernatural elements that surround her. This also helps preserve the mystery(ies) at the heart of the story.
    Glad you liked it. Back to writing!

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